They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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