I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
