I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
