I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
