I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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