I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
