The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
