You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
