Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
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So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
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The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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