I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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