it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
