I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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