Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
