i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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