Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
tell me about the eggs
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
