Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
