I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
