don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
