hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
