i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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