I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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