just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
