I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
