I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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