Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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