im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm way too hungover for life right now
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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