my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
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