I will die if light touches me.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
