I would go down on you faster than GM stock
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
