Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I need a beard to bite.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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