He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
