I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
