Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
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