It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
