I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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