if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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