How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
