yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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