Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
