when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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