She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
