was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
