she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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