if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
