found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
