Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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