im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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