hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
