Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
