how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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