history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
