I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
