Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
we made out on top of his cat.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
