I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
